Sometimes, we see a sweet face. We hear some sweet words. We may even get some sweet actions. ...only to find out something more sinister lurks underneath.
It doesn’t always come out at first, and the initial love-bombing at the start of the relationship begins forming the attachment. We are truly swept off of our feet. The increasing time spent together intensifies that attachment. As time goes on, they pull away or mistreat us. Then, we desperately try to hang on. Meanwhile, we have lost ourselves in this game. This is not love.
We hope they can change. We think they will because we see that super good side. Their demons dance well with our demons that need healing. We have compartmentalized their behavior. We are making excuses for them. Maybe if we love them harder? Maybe we can take them to church more? Maybe if we just become some servant robot, they will come around? Not likely. If they don’t want to change, we will not be some miracle angels.
If we have firm boundaries, it can possibly get better, or those boundaries will make it easier to walk away from the toxicity. Firm boundaries and how we uphold them are dependent on our self-worth. If we don’t feel we deserve the best, we will act accordingly.
We teach people how to treat us, when we accept inappropriate behaviors. The more bad behaviors we allow, the more it will continue or get worse. We teach them that it’s okay to walk all over us because we will still be there for them. It’s no way to live.
Hope this message speaks to someone. No book taught me this, but life sure did. A former relationship with someone sexually and love addicted (serial emotional and physical cheater for those who don’t believe in this), among some other run-ins.
If anyone has ever dealt with codependency of sorts, I’m a DM away. There is something we all have in common. We may never stop attracting these types... but boundaries, improved self-worth, and learning what love really is, is a damn good start.